I have been reading 1 Samuel lately. I love the Samuels, the Kings and the Chronicles. They read like adventure stories to me. Anytime I feel like my life has a lot of adventure and uncertainty I read these to find my life as predictable as Mr. Rogers'.
Today I read my favorite events recorded in 1 Samuel 14 when Jonathan and the armor bearer take on an army by faith and win. After that I kept reading and found something that I never noticed before.
Saul made a mess of his life. He made a mess of all of Israel really. He kept getting in the way of what God was doing, kept inching himself towards deity, and was inpatient with what God was doing. Finally, when God was explaining to Samuel about how Saul no longer had his favor at all, he said through Samuel some words that caught my eye.
1 Samuel 15.17
"Though you are little in your own eyes, are you not the head of the tribes of Israel? The Lord anointed you King over Israel."
Little in your own eyes. This just throws me off. He's the king! He looks like he is arrogant in his actions, yet the thing that frustrates The Lord about Saul is that he is "little" in his own eyes. If you read 1 Samuel 9 just before Saul is anointed, he disqualifies himself. Saul is certain he is too small, disqualified, and beyond what God could use. Even God making him king, using him to defeat enemies and showing miracles through him won't change the doubt that cripples Saul's heart.
I have spent plenty of time in serious doubt. I have doubted God could use me, would want to use me, or would not have someone better waiting in the wings. My doubt has trumped God's will too many times. No matter how much God shows Himself faithful in my life, if I doubt that what He says is bigger than what I feel, I will shut Him down. Again, it is an issue of faith. I have had to believe that God's words over me are bigger than any others.
Doubt isn't just a problem in Saul and within me. You may wrestle with it too. You may be spending a lot of time thinking that you are too little. Here's the thing: you are who God says you are. That is it. It may be time to deal with that.